There seems to be a never ending supply of medications and supplements these days. Whether it’s pharmaceuticals, herbals, homeopathic remedies or natural supplements, the choice is endless. If, like me, you’re a bit fed up of pharmaceutical leaflets warning you the side effects might be worse than the reason you’re taking them, or the supplements that promise everything and only give you funny tasting burps, you might be thinking, well where are the rest? Where are the supplements and medications that promise things I ACTUALLY WANT?

Well readers, you’re in luck!

I’ve turned my talents from Armchair Doctor to Armchair Pharmaceutical Entrepreneur.  So this Christmas, instead of socks, why not buy one of the following from my emerging business*.


Thick Skin Pro

When you’re having to deal with a GP or various ‘ologists who insist your physical illness is psychiatric or that your proven bacterial infection is actually a cunning ploy to get anti biotics for a bacterial infection they insist you don’t have, Thick Skin Pro can help prevent feelings of despair, desperation and anger at your box ticking incompetent doctor who has the insight and empathy of a door knob.  Can also be used to deal with extended family members who ask questions like ‘Why aren’t you better yet? Are you even trying to get better?’

Dosage: 3 times daily, or two immediately before difficult appointments or family events.

Side effects: may also come with ‘DontGiveAF*ckIsm’ where you may start to wear comfy but strange looking potentially inappropriate clothes out of the house because you DontGiveAFu*kAnymore.

sleep it off maxSleep It Off Max

Fed up of your 3 day migraine an hour into it? Take Sleep It Off Max and sleep through the entire thing. It’ll essentially put you into a carefully controlled specially designed coma where you don’t need to eat, drink, or take meds, the coma will tend to all your needs, as if by magic. (It might actually be magic, who knows…) Disclaimer: This has only been tested on rabbits and gerbils, the rabbits all died, but the gerbils awoke with massive erections, so those are pretty good odds.

Dosage – 1 blue pill

Side effects – possible death,  incontinence, unintended erections, missing your favourite TV show. If the timer breaks, you might only awake 1,000 years later where flesh eating aliens have taken over, in which case you probably won’t mind if you’ve wet yourself and have a massive erection.

The Pill Consolidator 3000

Fed up of taking 30 pills a day? Buy the Pill Consolidator 3000 and it’ll auto-magically consolidate them into 1 easy to take pill which will slowly release it’s contents into your bloodstream over the course of the day. This will give you all the time and freedom in the world to play online games, watch TV, and post pictures of funny cats on Facebook uninterrupted.

Dosage – 1, dumbass.

Side effects – With all the extra time and freedom, there’s a danger you might become a hippy who spends all their time meditating and writing very long sentences about the definition, meaning and ultimate conclusion of complex thought and other philosophical nonsense. Or you might get into organised crime after spending too much time playing Grand Theft Auto, become a henchman and meet your untimely demise at the hands of a rival gang and a rather large axe. Boredom is dangerous, kids.

pill consolidator 3000

The ‘See How I Feel’ Generator

Fed up of no one understanding your literal or metaphorical pain? Want doctors or friends and family to get a glimpse into what living in your body is like?

How it works: Collect some of your pee, mix it with the provided sachet, and then put the mixture into their food or drink. Sit back and watch them start sobbing like baby at the misery you endure on a daily basis. Lasts approximately 4 hours but can be extended if you really don’t like the person.  Trust me, they’ll be reaching for the Sleep it Off Max in no time.

Side effects: Might make them so guilty at not believing you previously that they plunge into a deep depression, or worse, they might turn to hippy-dom to find meaning in their experience and dump you in favour of a life wearing tie-dye and flip flops.


* Small Print: does not take any responsibility for anything that happens before, during or after taking any of our products. Even the spontaneous erections, joining the mafia or a new found love of tie-dye. You take these supplements at your own risk, or others risk if you choose to spike their food with it, which we also deny any knowledge or responsibility of. If this page is brought up in a court of law it’ll self combust into a cloud of glitter.

These items are not actually for sale because they do not exist. Obviously. If you thought they did, please take the See How I Feel Generator in the hope some intelligence might also be transferred. These, frankly ludicrous, claims have not been validated by the Food & Drug Administration. No Hippies were harmed in the making of this post, the rabbits weren’t so lucky. 


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