The period of new year is often filled with promises to yourself that you’ll do better in the following 12 months. You’ve been bumbling along with moderate success and happiness but new year brings out the ambition in you to become success-driven, accomplished, revitalised, efficacious and all the other buzzwords. You decide to climb the career ladder, advance your romantic interest, get a midlife crisis status car, and all that while backpacking around Asia, volunteering at a homeless shelter and taking up some obscure foreign language. The New Year You is full of never ending hope and enthusiasm to become the fantasy version of you.

The problem is that it all the good intentions disappear faster than the last chocolate in the family sized tin. Your goals are so far away from the reality of your life that they’re on another continent, you’re not going to become a marathon runner when you’re chronically ill with arthritis or whatever. The key is to make better, achievable resolutions in the first place.

So without further ado, here are my top 5 ways on how to achieve to your resolutions.

1. Don’t Make Any

Perhaps the simplest and easiest to implement, my first bit of advice to sticking to resolutions is not make any in the first place. That way, you can’t possibly fail.
Probable Success rating – 100%
Ways it can go wrong – none.


2. Make piss easy ones

If you really hate failing, set your standards a lot lower. I suggest resolutions like ‘shower at least once a week’, ‘eat some chips’ or ‘fart as loudly as possible’. Come February you can proudly Facebook-Boast that you’ve stuck to your resolutions and are in fact an all round highly motivated, effective and successful individual.

Probable success rating – 100%
Ways it can go wrong – if people ask you what your resolutions actually were, you’ll either have to ‘fess up, or lie. You could always say it was to eat more vegetables, and just not mention that potatoes are vegetables and so eating chips counts.

3. Make them things you were going to do anyway

You’re more likely to follow through with it, if you wanted to do it in the first place. So make resolutions that revolve around a hobby, for example if you’re into restoring really old cars, your resolution could be to finish the one you’re working on. No one has to know you’re actually nearly done anyway.

Probable success rating – 90%
Ways it can go wrong – If you don’t have any hobbies then you might find this tactic tricky. Never fear, watching TV and playing on Facebook totally counts as a hobby.

4. Avoid health related ones

Losing weight, eating more vegetables, going to the gym, taking up a sport… all these things are all well and good, but why do you think gyms are full in January and empty again by February? Health related resolutions go hand in hand with resolution failure, if you really wanted to do these health related changes and goals, you would’ve done them already. Also, your health is largely in the hands of fate and other out of your control factors such as air pollution, your genetics, the herbicides and what-not in your food and about a million other things.

Probable success rating – 90% – just don’t do these ones, simples.
Ways it can go wrong – if a close friend or family member bullies you into joining them in a 10K race for charity then you’re pretty screwed. I suggest faking a broken ankle or similar.

marathon costume runner
You can thank me later for saving you from looking like this.

 5. Pick a resolution that’ll give you the warm and fuzzies

Never, ever underestimate the power of the warm and fuzzies, no I don’t mean a warm trickling feeling of wetting yourself. I mean the feeling you get when you really help someone out. The warm and fuzzies are addictive, the more you help people, the more you want to because it makes you feel good. Nevermind all the good you’re actually doing in the world (weyhey, go you) but the addictive fuzzy feelings will mean you’re more likely to stick to it. Make sure you pick something that’s well within your health/financial/time limitations and you’ll be able to Facebook-Brag all the way until next new year.

Probable success rating – 90%
Ways it can go wrong – picking something unachievable like building a school single handedly in a remote African village. Be realistic, people.

New years resolutions are rooted in a Good Idea, but in my view, if you really wanted to make positive changes, you would do so at any time of the year and you wouldn’t be calling it a New Years Resolution. So Bah Humbug to you all. I’m off to prepare my month of salads, buy a pair of running trainers despite not being able to walk long distances, and sign up to adopt several hundred orphaned donkeys.